I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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