My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
