when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
