i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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