You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
