I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Never joke about your clitoris.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
