it was like his penis was on wheels.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
