I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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