And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
