I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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