god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
