My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
