God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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