Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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