know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
