I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
