What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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