he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
