So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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