The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
