You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
