Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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