You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
