dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
