Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
