i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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