I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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