I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
