thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
