i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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