I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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