I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
