Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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