my mouth tastes like poor choices
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
