I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
