i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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