This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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