Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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