my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
