the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
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I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
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A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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