Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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