I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i will never coherently bang her
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
