grandma shit on top of the toilet
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
