Who did Billy Mays play for?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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