So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
