I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Randomize
