I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I love having hate sex.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
