A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
