Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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