Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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