I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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