Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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