Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
