Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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