matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Use "feeling words"
Yay
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize