Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
