Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
