she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
