Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
