went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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