Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
