I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
