I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
