I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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